Pissed

OMG...yea i'm losing weight...my waist is smaller woot. ok. EXCEPT....now I have my fucking period. Two mos early. UGH....noo...mad :(Cysts popping..periods 2 mos early....NO BUENOOOOO. I guess it means I am getting healthier but meh..I don't like thiiss...one bit!!! UGH UGH UGH. I decollared monique today so she is pissed at me. meh. Not. A. Good. Day. bleh. sigh. I hate being a woman. It sucks ass.

HAPPINESS DANCE!!!

woot woott!!! I measured this AM and am 299.6 lbs....2 lbs less than 2 days ago. YAY MEE!!! I also measured my waist like 4 mins ago. My waist is now 49" which is 3 inches smaller than I was a week ago. WOOT WOOT. this week has been a trying one for me. But this....this just made it all better! I amm so friggen happy! I needed this! I talked to David the other day.....then I cried. It wasn't as bad as it could have been. Just very emotionally draining. I found out Marsha is extending to him to. She sent him a card with some pictures. We didn't even plan it. Was soo weird. Glad I am not the only one tho. Baby steps. Baby steps. And, as long as my mother doesn't find out. All will be fine. I am right now on a path to decide if I love him or not. I think I do, I mean he is my father....I don't know tho. Time will tell all. I can't get over how ecstatic I am tho at this weight loss! I will continue! I will! It will take time and patience, but I WILL get there ! soo excitedd!!!

Life as of today.

Life brings many things our way. As thanksgiving passes and Christmas comes After a long night of thinking I have come to realize I bitch, I bitch a lot. I blame, I do. Most of the time the people I blame actually deserve the blame. But, I do blame people for things. I could just take responsibility, my fault or not. I don't tho. I am no saint. Far from it actually. I have done things I regret, I can lie to people very successfully most of the time. Except to those select few who are so damn closed to me they can read me like a book. Many people don't have the things I do. I should be grateful and instead? I complain, I get mas when things don't go my way and I bitch some more. I have given and given and given yes. However, do I not have more to give? My home life is not the healthiest...but some people do not have a home life at all.

I disowned my father David five years ago. He hurt me, Hurt me badly. I do not know how else to put it. I however, Feel I need to be the bigger person and give him yet another chance. I know it will be hard and I will want to lose my temper a lot. But, he is getting on in years and if I grant my mother so much leeway shouldn't I grant David the same? A lot of my prejudice against him was brought on by my mother. Is it fair to let her prejudices control how I feel, think and believe? I do not think so. Life is hard for so many. Including ourselves. It is so, so hard. Shouldn't I give David that chance again to try to make up the damage he caused?

My mother says she loves me . I have a hard time believing that. She never shows it. I grant her more leeway than I do David...why? Maybe it is because I live with her. Maybe not. I can't be sure. I do know that I need to be the bigger person and Try to make this move. I have unanswered questions. Things I need settled and need to be talked about.

From today forward, I am going to try to be more grateful for what I have instead of worrying about what I don't have. That will be a hard task....especially living where I do. I must try tho, I must be the better person. I can not let what other people have chosen for me over ride what I want in life.

Friendship

Friends, the Family we choose. So, so true. With friends come love "Love is a silken cord strong as a chain of steel binding creation together". Again very true. I love my friends each and every one of them.




Chris, What can I say? We have been through so much together, so much. I feel like I have hurt you in so many ways. Yet, here you are. You have been my confidant and much more for the past 4 years. I know 4 years? Wow. We met in Rousers just as it was closing I remember the question you asked me as if it was yesterday. Cassie: Hey, Have fun in the future, guess we won't talk now that the league is no more Chris: So, we can't still be friends? That suprised me so much that day. I am so happy you asked me that question or I would not have come to know you the way I do. You and your crazy family. BTW I am STILL willing to trade at ANY time ;)



Vic and Claton..Wow...who shall we greif today? HAHA. You take all my BS and I mean AAALLLLLL of it. From moody to bitchy to sweet and innocent. You get it all... I love you both so much for all you have done for me and continue to do for me. I hope to be able to repay you some way, some how in the future. I can't wait to be able to come to Australia and see you two and little baby Tori....I am sure it will be an adventure of a lifetime .



Kirty...SISSEEHHHH!!!! meh twineh poo! haha. What can't we talk about with each other? What don't we know about each other? We have known each other a few sort mos and already...you are one of the closest ppl to me. Closer than most of my Real life family. You are not just my second life sister, you are my real life sister! I wouldn't trade you for the world!



Rory, Rory, Rory, Rory, What CAN I say about you? So much to say and so little space. We talk each others ears off when we need to it is a mutual thing whenever life throw something at one of us and we just need a 3rd party, unbiased opinion, we call on one another. You also are closer to me than most people. You have played an important part in my life in the short time I have known you. Thank you is all I can say.


Chase!!! Chase!!! You are wonderful. You are awesome, you are great! I love you to death. We have each been through a break up together now. For the worst, or for the better. We each have people we love dearly and unfortunately have to live without. We are there for eachother and will kick the shit out or anyone who tries to do each other wrong. I love you sisseh.



Keila, WOW almost 12 years can you believe it? We met in may of 1999 and here we are approaching 2011 still friends and still lovin each other on. You were one of my First adopted sisters. We lived across the street from each other and I scared you spitless every day HAHAHA remember "Noooooo, my barbies name is selena quintanilla" AHAHAH those were good old times. The front porch, the sneaking to each others houses...Walking to the bus togther. We were inseparable. I wish things were still that way.



Kristal...Shorts in the snow? Really? Food fight on your 12th birthday? Oh yea...THAT is the good stuff. You found god, he makes you happy. I am not as religious as you however I am so happy that you are happy. Tell that man of yours that he better not mess up...or I will hurt him AHAHAH and I say that with all the love in my heart and Christian goodness and all of that. Stay good, Stay safe and never forget you were my other adopted sissy when we were very young. Just like your sister we have known each other 12 years you two are my longest friends. I will never forget you. We have grown apart with the distance between us but will never stop loving each other.



Rebecca, You and I have been through so much from vesta to england, to moves to "I can NOT believe you just said that! " and " Thank you for calling the AT&T go phone payment center...." The gym is your friend....even if autumn doesn't think so...it is.... work that ass off, you know you wanna. As for that husband of yours...tell him to shape up or I will kick his ass ;)






These are the people I consider closest to me in my life. They say you don't get many friends, the good ones anyway in your lifetime. I have found these people and love them to death. There are many more on my list of good friends Some I wasn't able to ad for lack of picture or what have you. I still love you. Friends ARE the family that we choose....Each and every one of these people are in my family. They love and support me when I need it. We might be distant at times but we are here and there. They also kick my ass into gear when I need it. Thank you to all of you for being who you are. Good and bad, old and young. Become who you are, and please....Do not change one bit. I consider you each perfect in your own way.





.

Happy dance!

I keep saying this over and over and freaking over again but I have to succeed this time, For me. To prove to myself and others that I can do it, that is can be done, that what I say I am going to do I will do. I am 21 and I don't want to spend my 20's and 30's or anymore of my life in the 20+ sizes. Just can't happen for my Health or anything. Thankfully with thanksgiving..It looks like I didn't gain all that much. I weighed today in the morning yaddah, yaddah, yaddah like you are supposed to. I am 301.6 YAY! 3 lbs less than yesterday evening. I think the weighing myself everyday is actually doing more for me than weighing every week. I just let go and it doesn't work. The scale is going to go up and down I know that. But for it to go up 4 lbs in a week like it has? No bueno. I WILL SUCCEED hehehe. This is proof, I haven't gone back up to 320 in a long time. I CAN and Will DO this!
Random Lyric "Love, Hate, Sex, Pain it's complicating me sometimes, Love, Hate, Sex, Pain It's underestimating lives"

New hair, little smaller (Just a tiny)

Sooo I just weighed and measured myself (granted its 8pm and I have eaten and drank shit and all that today). I weigh 304.9 lbs meh, TOOOO MUUCHHH on the bright side. My waist is 2" smaller. I am now a 52" waist. I know fat eh? I am working on it. tho. I lurve lurve lurve this picture of meh. My hair is now BLLAACCKKKK but, I need to touch it up again. It is starting to grow out LOL. I think I am diggin the black. Not so happy with the upkeep it will take tho. Maybe I will keep the black. I don't knooow. we will see. Talkin to Chase atm. We doing a pact together she gonna gain weight to be where she wants to be and look how she wants to. I am gonna lose fat. I nneeedddddd TO LOSE FAT. I MUST I MUST I MUST. It is sooo hard tho..everyhtign here has TONS of calories. Sigh. Also, the stress and the temptations. IDK if I am strong enough. the lack of gym doesn't help either :\ Meh I WILL do this tho I HAVE to. Next time I see anyone or meet anyone from offline .I want them to go VAVAVOOOOM YOU LOOK GREAT!!!! heheeh we will see idk. meh. im working on it, I am. It just.. takes time sigh. and privacy which I don't have. bleh. Random Song quote of the day"Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is love".

I could love you like that

So many things so many emotions. Am I crazy? I think so. I realized that I have been trying so, so hard to make myself not love him, to push him out of my mind that I have been sabotaging myself. I need to just let myself be, let myself love. In time I will get over him if I let myself just be. Eventually something will click to make me not love him. I could love him in so many ways. Some healthy some not so healthy. We play facebook games together (which in this post I kind of hope he doesn't read this. He would know for sure who he is. All I want. ALL I WANT is him ot be happy. As far as facebook games go. Most are pretty stupid. In fact most I have deleted most of them or blocked or whatever. the same things over and over and over again. bleh. Meh boobs..now theres something. OMG they keep falling asleep! While I was in Cali I got fitted for a bra and discovered I am actually a G cup. BBUUUTTTT....recently I have been popping out of the g because there is just TOOOOOOO MUUCHH of meh. So my boobs have been fallign asleep lately...and if your boobs have ever fallen asleep you KNOW how uncomfy it is. I Need to get a new one. A better fitting one. One thats sized correctly again. Meh. This week has been a weird one. An aggravating one. I found out I almost had a job 40hr/week graveyard..and didn't get it cuz the phones were off. -.- . Meh sisseh Chastity broke up with her BF -.-...the asshole. He came to me first and said he was gonna which left me between a rock and a hard place. To tell her or not. I told her. I had to tell her. I can't keep that kind of thing a secret. She is meh sisseh!! I also broke up with demon the girls' RL brother. He wont stop tho. Is trying to get me back etc. But I can't, I just can't. I can't handle how he is in relationships. Also, It isn't fair to him when I can't devote myself to him. I need someone with experience, LIFE EXPERIENCE. Not someone I need to teach. :\ I am back up in my weight. I had lost some. Now I am back up again. Meh. I need to find a way to overcome this mental shit here at home and crack down and lose weight. It just isn't working. Sigh, It was soooo much easier in cali. So much easier.

Half written

I must have half a dozen half done/ unfinished posts on this thing. All started and intending on finishing them. I lacked it LOL. I will hopefully get those finished and posted soonish. alot has happened since my last post, I was in cali, hot marines, hot weather LOL I know right? I dyed my hair and dated and broke up with demon spitteler on RL. I had an emotional breakdown and another fit YAY ME! narci and I fought more. Narci came to help more. tams went back and forth between bf's and the girls started opening up to me more. Lots has happened, I cant remember it all. Through it all tho...the one person on my mind is him. sigh.