Epic Fail

SOOOOOO the 30 day challenge got off to a bad start. I didn't follow through. I decided to start as of today. I can no longer drink anything but water and have to walk every day. So far that has been working out for walking to cc's and back. Her house is about a mile from here or so, so that is two miles per day AT LEAST. LOL. now...just to keep with the water and my waist will shrink *crosses her fingers* I can do it I WILL do it, just to find the strength..... Jan 26th day 1. I will drink only water! hehe. I can do this...I can.

30 day challenge

I was at the doctors with my mother today. They were talking about her arthritis and how it isn't connected to just her weight but other factors as well. We were also talking about how if I don't change, I will be like her in about 30 years time. I don't want that. The doctor is suggesting Gestational Surgery for her, to help her lose weight. She is scared and doesn't want to. I on the other hand have time to fix this, I need to fix this. I start and I stop I keep saying I will succeed this time, however, I have taken another turn of I don't care. My fall, and being unable to walk really put a damper on me, and my goals. I really want to fit into that cute top becca gave me. Then I want to have to give it away because it doesn't fit. I HAVE to make this work. On FB I am doing the 30 day challenge of pictures. It has inspired me to do this. A 30 day fitness challenge. It is said that it takes 30 days to make something a habit. So, I will do this. For the next 30 days starting tomorrow, I will strive to do this, for 30 days I 1. Must walk every day. Doesn't matter if it is to the library, around town. At the mall, just to fulfill this challenge, whatever but I must walk. 2. With the exception of two preplanned occasions I can not drink anything besides water. No soda, no fruit juice, no milk. Just water. Crystal light 5 calorie packets however, are OK. This will be my goal. Not to lose weight. But to make myself healthier. Build muscle, work on my cardiovascular fitness etc. Since I have stopped walking these last two weeks it has been hard to do things that just as little as 3 weeks ago were as easy as pie. This can't be. I must succeed. It is about will power. Mine MUST be strong enough. To help me do this, to prove that I can or to show I haven't I must blog every day about what I have drank and what I did for walking. This is my goal, My 30 day challenge. I WILL succeed.

Ways of a witch

Yes, I am a self proclaimed witch. I am a practitioner of Magick in the religion of Wicca.My Deities are the Triple Goddess of the moon and the Horned god of the sun. Recently, I made my very first wand YAY! There aren't many Wiccans where I live, so I am going at this kind of blindly. Reading about traditions and rituals and talking to a few people I know or have met whom are wiccan/pagan. I just went in to my front yard where we have a maple tree and found that we had a branch that was fallen. Knowing that I needed a want still, I broke off a piece, cleaned off the moss that was still hanging to it and brought it inside. I then seperated the bark from the core and removed most of the knots with a knife. After that I sanded the wand smooth. If you have any background knowledge of Magick you know that the wand for most, including my self usually signifies fire and the south. On my wand I also added green satin ribbon to signify earth and north. I then soaked the tip of the wand in water to signify water and the west. Finally I added a yellow jewel to the bottom to signify the east and air. I have yet to consecrate my wand being as I never have time alone. For now I just have to keep records of the rituals and consecrations of my tools I have finished, so I know what needs to still be done. Today is the full moon in January. Sadly I am unable to celebrate this sacred day with a ritual. i Will however ,keep the thoughts of the Triple goddess and the mother in my thoughts. Imbolc is swiftly approaching as well. I am hoping *crosses fingers* that I will be able to perform a ritual in observance. We will see.

Blessed be.

Contemplations

My sleeping pattern is Fucked! Like, Major. I will probably end up doing an all nighter tonight so I can sleep tomorrow night. But oh well, such is life. I know that like no one reads this blog ROFL. So it is kind of more like a personal journal for me. Like always I am contemplating my life and why I haven't found "the one" yet. I know I am only 21 but still....If you had asked me 10 years ago where I would be at 21. It defo wouldn't have been here. It would have been like married with a 1 year old or something. I don't know. I didn't have any nickelback on my computer because of the reformatting I did. Tonight I sought out the albums and added them once again to my music collection. I heard once again this song. I realized how much it descibed me at this moment. I love nickelbacks songs, I can usually find one to suit my current mood. Here it is. Gotta be somebody by nickelback. Lyrics and Video. Enjoy ;)

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough

So I'll be waiting for the real thing
I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen

So I'll be holding my own breath right up 'til the end
Until that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that

'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And you know this feels too right
It's just like déjà vu
Me standing here with you

So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end?
Is it that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/n/nickelback-lyrics/gotta-be-somebody-lyrics.html]

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that

'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
You never know when it shows up
Make sure you're holding on
'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me, oh

Nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Wicca

My whole life I have felt ripped apart spiritually My mothers family has always been catholic, no doubt about it from weekly church goers to the ones that go once every 8-10 years. Everyone is catholic with most of them having gone to catholic school at one time or anther. The other half of my family...Well they are Jewish. However, I am not allowed to speak of this in my home. The mention of another religion especially one that in whatever way is associated to a certain member of my family is ruled out. I have felt torn between these two religions between what I was told must be and what I wanted to learn more about as well as what else was out there. Neither Catholicism nor Judaism ever seemed to fit me. Recently I started to question the little faith I have more and more and began to research others to see which is best for me. What religion will allow me to be me and not compromise anything I believe in for what the religion thinks is right. The religion that seemed to fit me best is one that many discriminate against. One that many think is satanic or impure. I consider myself Wiccan. I am a witch.

What is Wicca?

Wicca is known as many things the Craft, Witchcraft, Wicca, Wiccae and the Wiccan to name a few.Wicca is different things for many people I can not explain Wicca to the fullest extent. Wicca is different things for different people, I have even heard of an read about people using Jesus Christ and The Virgin Mary as their god and goddess, To each their own. There are different branches of Wicca, numerous ones actually, so many that I lost count at about 35. Wicca for some is the study of the goddess, and for some such as myself the study of the god and of the goddess. While I can not tell you what Wicca is. I can tell you what Wicca is not. Wicca is not anti- Christian as many believe. As a witch I respect Christians and the Christian religion, while it is not for me it serves its purpose for others and helps them on their spiritual way.

Wicca is not devil worship. Where yes, there is a so called horned god, he is considered to be the representation of masculinity in all things, The Horned god ofen represents the wilderness and the life cycle. The person or evil that many Christians and believers of other religions recognize as the devil or Satan actually is stemmed from the Greek God Pan.

Wicca is not a religion of human or animal sacrifice, It is actually a religion of loving nature and all living things plants, animals and humans equally. I do not nor would I ever condone the practice or thought of sacrificing any type of living thing for spiritual guidance. All living things are beautiful and whether you believe them to be the work of one god, one goddess, a god and a goddess, or many gods and goddesses should all be loved and treated with respect.

Many believe that Wiccans or Witches or Pagans must be dirty or horny, often times called whores or sluts. Pagans and Wiccans do not condone nor deny sex anymore than any other religion. It is a very Beautiful thing yes, when practiced with a loved one safely. It is a sacred thing which should not be taken for granted or exploited.

Another common misconception among other religions toward Pagans and Wiccans is that we practice black magick and are out to hurt everyone. Quite the opposite actually as a Wiccan I hold true to my belief in the thrice fold rule "Ever mind the Rule of Three. Three times what thou gives returns to thee. This lesson well, thou must learn, thy only gets what thou dost earn". As a Wiccan or Witch I also live by the Wiccan Rede "Do what ye will, be it harm none". Both rules in place reminding us to not harm others, to be peaceful, tranquil and loving to all.

Do you really cast spells?

In a way yes, I do. My spells are more chants or poems that I say allowed while performing certain actions much like Catholics sing in church while holding hands or say hail Mary's while counting the beads on their rosary. These are just religious practices of my every day life. I don't cast harmful spells on others or even cast hexes. If you cross me I won't curse you. Many of my personal spells are actually meditations or inspirational sayings.

Isn't your book of shadows filled with hexes and curses?

No, Mine is not. My book of shadows is more like a bible I write myself, It holds the things I believe in. Nothing more, nothing less. A witches book of shadows is like her bible and her diary all rolled in to one, it holds her spells, her beliefs, her rituals and Dedication to the craft in it. Many witches have more than one book of shadows, some have many. It all depends on how long the witch (that by the way can be a guy too) has been active in the craft and how often she is active. Some only observe the changes in the seasons, some only the equinoxes. I have heard of witches observing the equinoxes, changes of seasons, cross seasons and the phases of the moon. To each their own. Wicca is a religion that you change and make your own. You are not told who or what to believe in, you decide, you make your own choices.

Does this mean you don't celebrate Christmas?

Sure, I celebrate Christmas, I also observe passover. Just because I don't consider myself of the Christian or Jewish faith does not mean I can not celebrate the humble beginnings and beauty in such religions. I pick and choose which holidays to celebrate and which ideals to hold higher than others.

Do you go to church?

Wiccans and Pagans do have churches or community meetings, Do I personally go to them? No. I am what is called a Solitary, I practice my faith on my own time, in my own way and alone. I use my book of shadows as my bible to guide me on my spiritual journey much as other religions use the Holy Bible, The Koran and The Torah. I also have a Book of Mirrors, a book I use to place my dreams, aspirations, meditations and so on.

Wiccans/Witches and Pagans are not to be feared, we are not filled with evil or possessed by the devil, we are merely people who believe different things and have different ideals than those of the Christian religion. If you would like to know more about Pagan, Wicca or my journey in the Craft Feel free to ask. However, please do not condemn me for my difference of faith and beliefs.I hope this has been a bit more informative for all of you.

Blessed be,

Cassie

I am horrible

There was some news given to him today that another friends parent has terminal cancer. I feel like such a horrible person. I was concerned and all of that. I am human, the reason I am horrible is that soon as he mentioned having to get his passport in order because she (the other friend) and he were close, my head went to overdrive. For a split second, I wasnt worried about her, or her parent with terminal cancer. I was worried about him going over there and rekindling the romance they once had. How sick is that? How selfish is that? Her parent is fighting for his life and I am worried about how I may never get him. My heart sank at the thought. I thought I was over him. I had no hopes, no thoughts of getting him. He made himself clear he didn't love me like that so WTF? I am such a horrible person. I don't know how else to explain it :\ He was ready to marry her a few years back. Then he wasn't ready to marry me, not as definitively as he was her. I guess the saying I stole from a friend is true. “If a guy genuinely cares about you, it's really not that easy to lose his interest.” He lost interest in me, big time. Guess I am not the right one for him. Time to learn my lesson. All I want to do is cry. I keep thinking I am over him then WHAM! it hits me. Why me ? :\

I'm Dying

Yep, that is right, I am dying. We all are dying. Each minute we live is a minute closer to death. Scared ya huh? I don't mean I have a terminal illness or anything like that. I am 21 years old and I feel stuck. This is supposed to be the best time of my life. But, it isn't. I want a life. I feel like that has been taken away from me. Most of my issues boil down to one thing. My mother, I can connect her to almost any problem I have. Sounds like I am pointing fingers doesn't it? Don't get me wrong I am to blame too, I made conscience decisions that resulted in these actions. My decision always was to listen to her. If I had not, If I had done as I saw fit. I would not have this problem. I always blame david for alot of my issues, Yes, he is to blame somewhat. But, I look back and think. Everything I can connect to my mother. She always tells me "Don't insult me by comparing me to him". No, he wasn't there. But, doesn't that also mean he hasn't done as much damage? Everything in my life that has gone wrong...well almost. I can count back to her. When it boils down to it, listening to her is the reason I am stuck here ATM. I don't know. But, we are all dying and I want to live I want to LIVE before I die. I want to travel, Have kids go to school have a career. Go back to england. Spend time with friends. I want to be me. I want to be out of here.