Pain, Pain and well I need to get out more PAIN

I could not sleep at all the night of the 16th. I tried and tried but no go. Then I had a fight with Steve, a guy I know on SL. it was an all around fun ass night. Still sleep didn't come to me meh :\. at about 6 am sy was on FB and I was awake so he decided to come out to forest grove. We walked and talked, it was great seeing. I hadn't seen him in a while. we walked down to rogers park and talked about anything and everything, not much wasn't said. We called each other bitches and laughed a lot. I miss my friends and having fun with them. Finally we ended up at rogers park that was WOW a long walk. For me right now anyway. I think it's only like 1/2 mile to a mile to rogers park from here but I havn't been out of the house, or well honestly off this couch in a while. the walk there and back wore me out! I am in so much pain now. My upper thighs and calves are soooo sore. I sooo need to get out more! wow. Soon as this pain subsides. I am gonna do more walking LOL. maybe to Rogers park and back HAHAHA.

Family.....or well....lack thereof

Family, those people who are always there for you. the ones who will love you no matter what. They celebrate birthdays weddings, anniversaries and everything in between with you. The ones you sit on the phone with for hours laughing about things that happened 10 years ago. The ones who never ignore you, or so it should be. Not all families are like that. above and below are pictures of my family. Well part of it anyway, the part I never see. I love my family very dearly and I want to see more of them. Problem is they live in California and I up here in Oregon. My family isn't perfect, but then what family is?
Recently I spent 6 weeks with this family in Cali and that was the best time in my life that I have had states side. I want desprately to become closer to this family but I don't know how. Shortly after I returned from my trip to Cali, My grandmother died and I had to fly back. During this time I noticed cliques in my family and I didn't fit anywhere. I thought my time with my sisters in march had strengthened my bond with them. now, I am not so sure. I am wondering if maybe I was more of a nuisance than a help, then a sister. when I was there we were great together, laughing talking I thought we were getting close especially with my sister Ruth. I watched her and my other sister talk back and forth, text, call each other. Be what sisters were supposed to be. However, she never confided much in me. I guess I can't blame her who am I? someone related to her by blood. Someone who she is told is her sister. But who am I really? She didn't know me. Other than being related we didn't know each other. We never talked before, we never called, emailed. Nothing. the two sides of my family have always been at war. I have been in the middle. I would like to think that I had very little contact with my fathers side of the family because of my mother and father and the war that ensued between the two sides of my family. Now I am not so sure.

As I sit here at almost 6 am I cant help but wonder is it me? Am I too much like David? Am I too much like my mother? neither of which I really want to be. Is it me? Is there something that I did or said that made them all stay away? I think I have tried to keep in contact with them. I guess I could have done better. My aunt and cousins have never really gotten to know me either. I didn't know that I had an aunt till I was 14. she knew about me but I however, was unaware of her. I also had no clue that I had cousins on my fathers side until Shana added me as a friend on myspace. Since I found out about this family I have tried to keep in contact with them, I have emailed, called and even left facebook messages for my aunt. No reply. Yet, when we are in the same room for a wedding or a funeral all seems fine. Shana seems a bit more interested in me, she at least tried to reply when I ask her a question or say something to her. Even so I tried contacting all three. Joanne, Shana and Lauren before I left for my trip to try to get together spend at least a little bit of time together, again no response. Again I wonder. Is it me?

Some family eh? In the end tho I still wonder is it me? After my time with my sisters this year I felt sure that we had gotten closer, gotten to know each other better. I felt sure that we would keep in contact, laugh, talk and cry with each other like siblings do. We haven't. I can't help but wonder if it is me. Was I too mean to the boys? Did I do or not do something to piss my sisters off? I appreciate everything they have done for me immensely. I love them so much it hurts. I hurt. I want to be close to them ,I want a "normal" relationship with them. It just doesn't seem to be there tho.

I can't help but look back and see those cliques that were there when we all gathered for my grandmothers funeral may she rest in peace. My aunt and her kids kept to themselves and my sisters Marsha and Ruth were joined at the hip. During the service I was left at the end of the pew with a big gap between my sister and I crying and mourning our loss. I feel left out and alone. All my life the two sides were fighting over me, not for me, but for territory over me. and now? It seems like neither side wants me. What did I to? Maybe this is just some stupid insecurity, Maybe not. However, I can't help but wonder. What did I do? I grew up with crap and BS thrown at me from every corner, I don't know how to express how Desperately I want at least one side of my family to love me for who I am and want to be close to me. For one side to just say hey, she might be like David in some ways and she might be like Lori, But whatever, I still love her and I want her around.

My worst fear is that I will be like my parents. I strive everyday to be NOT like them. It feels like it is never enough tho, No matter how much I try I get told " you are just like David" or "You are just like your mother". Sometimes, I even notice things myself that are like one of my parents or the other and I cringe. Am I too needy? Am I too selfish? Am I asking too much? should I just give up? and if so how do I do that? How do I stop wanting a relationship with the people who I can without one doubt in my mind say that I love? how? If it is me please, tell me what I am doing wrong so that I can fix it.

Please baby don't die

Wow an interesting day to say the least. Marlin was over here for the day keeping cool. cause DAMN was it HOT! ugh I am sweating just thinking about it. whew! we had pizza, they watched a movie. was all gravy...mostly LOL. except when marlin went home he found a new born baby kitten, only hours old with the umbilical cord still attached. its so cute and tiny. We don't know what to do for it. it was probably cold, dehydrated etc. the tiny thing. I spent the last good hour or so searching the web for ways to keep it safe and alive till marlin can take it somewhere tomorrow. the poor baby, only hours old and left all alone :( He has just left to go buy KMR kitten milk replacement formula. I wish there was more we could do. I don't want the kitten to die :( it's so cute!!!!! My heart breaks for the tiny kitten who was left all a lone:(


On another note I am GOING CRAZY. I have not found a job yet and it sucks, I want no I NEED something to do. ANYTHING at this point. I even applied at a call center Saturday night. sigh. another call center bleh. I hope they call me tho. so much I want and need to do. I need a new laptop, I want and need to take another vacation. I want to go back to school. SIGH. too much. and it all takes money I don't have. A few thousand to be exact. meh. Life sucks and then you die. I think that is pretty much all my day was about today. Not very exciting , very borign actually :( will this boredom ever end?

Ah hello 4 am , we seem to meet alot...

Yep, thats right, it is 4 AM and I am still awake. My music player is on random and the christmas shoes randomly started playing. Interesting I know. "sir, I wanna buy these shoes for my momma please, it's christmas eve and these shoes are just her size, could you hurry sir, daddy says theres not much time". I know interesting thing to be listening to at 4 am. I got a few IM's off this guy I used to play called Evony. Was nice talking to him, he talked about another friend of ours alot tho LOL. I think he likes her. My mind is sort of sane at this point in time. I don't know how long that will last for tho. I am thinking about sleep hasn't come for me yet. meh. I am a bit happy tho I am over the pneumonia finally! It is about freaking time. Still looking for a job tho. It is really sort of annoying. I seem to be bored alot lately, that is probably why I am going crazy for lack of things to do. I know I am rambling LOL. I think the main reason I want a job is I need another vacation BADLY ( I know already right?) yep. I need another one. tho this time I think I need to go back out of the country. Maybe to england to see Chris again, or maybe I will venture to Australia to see Victoria and Claton.

I know alot of friends in other countries right? these ppl get to know me for me, the crazy hairbrained, eratic, freaks out and over reacts me. the one who isn't rational and has breaks downs and they still love me. Chris I have known for a little over 3 years now, I have gone to see him already and his fam is pretty cool, tho if tom tries to kiss me again it won't be pretty! (hear that tom, yea I am not letting you live that one down EVER!) haha, I miss them all there, I had fun, I had no worries, I was me , sarcastic, loud, crazy yea a few times rude. But I was also nice, polite, forgiving, funny and something to watch while carrying my heels in my hands on the way back from a night out with Chris and Tom.

Victoria I have only known a few months but it feels like years. She is like a sissy to me already. Like Chris she keeps me sane. she listens to me rant about things on almost a daily basis and is there when I need her, she is awesome, nice, funny, smart, pretty and an all around good person. I am lucky to know her. Her husband Claton is pretty cool too, quiet, but that is part of his charm.

Both great options but which to choose? I guess it doesn't really matter until I can afford to go right? Meh, gives me something to think about and look forward to.

"oh if you lose your once and only there is always room here for the lonely, watch your broken dreams dance in and out of the beams of a neon moon" that song just started playing and all of a sudden, it feels like my life, like how I am. hmmmm. interesting. I wonder why.....I am 20, why do I feel lonely? o.0 I should be out partying, not worrying about relationships or lack thereof hmm. this post is certainly a weird one.

Right, I am off to bed before it gets any wierder. Goodnight all, or I should say good morning since it is 4:37 AM pacific time on Mon, Aug. 16th, 2010.

So there's this guy....

So there is this guy, that I seem hung up on, the only guy I have ever been in love with. I SWEAR I know nothing can happen, nothing will happen and I am not holding my breath. if he were to read this yea, he would know who he is. it just keeps coming back. whenever someone asks me "who is the person you trust most of all no questions asked?" or "if you had to choose one person to have around you while you downed a roofie and passed out for 10 hrs, who would it be? " the most recent was " Where is and who is the one place/person where you can totally let go? not care about anything and just be you? the one person you could get drunk with, the one person that you don't have to waver on, that you know would be there? " all of these questions and many more come back to one answer, HIM. UGH. why? It can't work, it didn't work. He doesn't love me like that. I ruined any chance of that when I hurt him, I pushed for things, for answers I needed and wanted but wasn't getting, I pushed him so hard, I pushed him away.

Things are crazy, I don't like this. It doesn't bug me if he talks about other girls, It hasn't for a while, My heart is open to anything, I have talked to and dated a guy or two since I was with him. but still. It's there. They say that when you are in love with someone that never goes away no matter how hard you try. That is so unfair! I can't believe that. I want this to stop. its not a yearning I have to have him I love him so much I am going to die feeling. It is simpler, subtler. When I was around him, everything was so easy; for me anyway. I didn't have to think just do and be, it was like second nature. Victoria says to wait that in time it might be. I don't think so, he was very clear that I did not attract him in that way. Maybe that is because I was pushing, I don't know. I wish I did tho. things would be so much easier. life would be easier.

How can one person be split so much? I don't think of him like I used to, he is rarely on my mind in that way. so how can this be? why can this be? what is the purpose? Hell, why me? I can't help but wonder, how can I be so sure, so ok with knowing nothing will ever happen like that and yet, have him as the answer to every question that begins with "who is the one person that" it is so frustrating, so infuriating. sigh. Will I ever know? He is my best friend and always will be that will NEVER change unless I am dead. but it still sucks, still hurts.