Family, those people who are always there for you. the ones who will love you no matter what. They celebrate birthdays weddings, anniversaries and everything in between with you. The ones you sit on the phone with for hours laughing about things that happened 10 years ago. The ones who never ignore you, or so it should be. Not all families are like that. above and below are pictures of my family. Well part of it anyway, the part I never see. I love my family very dearly and I want to see more of them. Problem is they live in California and I up here in Oregon. My family isn't perfect, but then what family is?
Recently I spent 6 weeks with this family in Cali and that was the best time in my life that I have had states side. I want desprately to become closer to this family but I don't know how. Shortly after I returned from my trip to Cali, My grandmother died and I had to fly back. During this time I noticed cliques in my family and I didn't fit anywhere. I thought my time with my sisters in march had strengthened my bond with them. now, I am not so sure. I am wondering if maybe I was more of a nuisance than a help, then a sister. when I was there we were great together, laughing talking I thought we were getting close especially with my sister Ruth. I watched her and my other sister talk back and forth, text, call each other. Be what sisters were supposed to be. However, she never confided much in me. I guess I can't blame her who am I? someone related to her by blood. Someone who she is told is her sister. But who am I really? She didn't know me. Other than being related we didn't know each other. We never talked before, we never called, emailed. Nothing. the two sides of my family have always been at war. I have been in the middle. I would like to think that I had very little contact with my fathers side of the family because of my mother and father and the war that ensued between the two sides of my family. Now I am not so sure.
As I sit here at almost 6 am I cant help but wonder is it me? Am I too much like David? Am I too much like my mother? neither of which I really want to be. Is it me? Is there something that I did or said that made them all stay away? I think I have tried to keep in contact with them. I guess I could have done better. My aunt and cousins have never really gotten to know me either. I didn't know that I had an aunt till I was 14. she knew about me but I however, was unaware of her. I also had no clue that I had cousins on my fathers side until Shana added me as a friend on myspace. Since I found out about this family I have tried to keep in contact with them, I have emailed, called and even left facebook messages for my aunt. No reply. Yet, when we are in the same room for a wedding or a funeral all seems fine. Shana seems a bit more interested in me, she at least tried to reply when I ask her a question or say something to her. Even so I tried contacting all three. Joanne, Shana and Lauren before I left for my trip to try to get together spend at least a little bit of time together, again no response. Again I wonder. Is it me?
Some family eh? In the end tho I still wonder is it me? After my time with my sisters this year I felt sure that we had gotten closer, gotten to know each other better. I felt sure that we would keep in contact, laugh, talk and cry with each other like siblings do. We haven't. I can't help but wonder if it is me. Was I too mean to the boys? Did I do or not do something to piss my sisters off? I appreciate everything they have done for me immensely. I love them so much it hurts. I hurt. I want to be close to them ,I want a "normal" relationship with them. It just doesn't seem to be there tho.
I can't help but look back and see those cliques that were there when we all gathered for my grandmothers funeral may she rest in peace. My aunt and her kids kept to themselves and my sisters Marsha and Ruth were joined at the hip. During the service I was left at the end of the pew with a big gap between my sister and I crying and mourning our loss. I feel left out and alone. All my life the two sides were fighting over me, not for me, but for territory over me. and now? It seems like neither side wants me. What did I to? Maybe this is just some stupid insecurity, Maybe not. However, I can't help but wonder. What did I do? I grew up with crap and BS thrown at me from every corner, I don't know how to express how Desperately I want at least one side of my family to love me for who I am and want to be close to me. For one side to just say hey, she might be like David in some ways and she might be like Lori, But whatever, I still love her and I want her around.
My worst fear is that I will be like my parents. I strive everyday to be NOT like them. It feels like it is never enough tho, No matter how much I try I get told " you are just like David" or "You are just like your mother". Sometimes, I even notice things myself that are like one of my parents or the other and I cringe. Am I too needy? Am I too selfish? Am I asking too much? should I just give up? and if so how do I do that? How do I stop wanting a relationship with the people who I can without one doubt in my mind say that I love? how? If it is me please, tell me what I am doing wrong so that I can fix it.
