her

Its her you love,
her you want.
The one you've held yourself for.
I was here,
All a long, waiting
Watching.
I was here for you to pick, to choose
I love you I said.
Like an idiot I waited,
I watched.

I still love you,
I always will.
But its not the same.
I cant wait and pine for you
While you wait for her.
So Ive destroyed that part of my heart
That held you.
Ive washed down the creek I cried


Now there's someomne new.
My heart is healing.
it's opening up.
Allowing others in.
I love you still
I always will.

But he loves me too.
He makes me laugh,
Makes me smile.
You were my true love.
You broke my heart
As you waited for her.


Now, Im his, and he is mine
There's no getting me back
Im gone adios
I hope she was worth it
Because my heart is now his
You had your chance
Now, I'm gone.

Lots happening

I don't post on this blog often, but when I do it usually means something. I post every day on my other blog for PCOS. I use that one as my food journal etc. It helps me connect to other people who have PCOS and be heard by people who are just like me.

I am sure by now that my sisters know that our nephew dustin is in the hospital. I promised my brother I wouldn't tell anyone. I didn't. Well...there is one exception.; always is. Of course I told Chris. I run to him with everything, he is my crutch on well everything. I discuss EVERYTHING with him I mean literally everything. Most of which he is getting tired of or it appears that way. A few days back we had a super long conversation. Like the ones we used to have XD I enjoyed it sooo much. It felt like I had my best friend back. Too bad he had to be inebriated to talk to me like that again :\.

Anyway back to Dustin. He is the son of my only blood brother Robert. He is special needs and has a lot of things going on with him. What exactly you ask? I have not one clue.  I ask and ask and he explains somewhat but about 10 minutes later, I forget. It is like I am not comprehending the information being presented to me. Which if what I think about me having dyslexia is true, I probably am not comprehending it.

I finally reached under 300 on Saturday YAY GO ME!! now to keep on trucking. Giving up carbs and sweets isn't what I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong. It isn't without its challenges. Specially that first day at Cece's Omg.. I almost gave in to the cake so many times. I don't even like cake all that much. I didn't though I was a good girl.



I have started being a good girl in other ways too. I for one don't eat the breaded stuff from when we order chinese food. Instead I order a single dish such as mushroom chicken or garlic chicken then give the rice to my mother XD. I did go overboard though. I ate the bbq pork and spare ribs. :p I am getting there. I find it is getting hard to reach my min a day for calories. I had to struggle today to get higher than 1200 cals. Yesterday I only had about 1300. Thats ok though because the day before that I had like 3000 ROFL. I know I fluctuate A LOT!

I feel better though with my change in diet. I really do. I haven't had soda in ummm at least a month or so, I am doing GREAT! A little change on the scale not much with the tape measure. But eh, I will get there.
Last two days however I have been super tired and not wanting to exercise or stand at the puter :\.  I thin kit is the peppermint tea I have been drinking the last two days. Who knows. Hopefully it will get better. I might just be near what would be my TOM. 

Anyway I have to go out to PCC tomorrow to meet with Stephanie the I have a dream college coordinator to talk about some things. We will see what happens!


That is all for now. Ciao


Cassie
I am beautiful, I am sexy. I am skinny.

Refreshing day

Today was awesome I had one of those long ass talks with chris like we used ot where we discussed anything and EVERYTHIGN we used to do that every day...now...not so much. Kind of sucks that he has to be drunk to start it out tho. anyway had to share that little tidbit cause It made me HAAAPPYYYY! XD.

Another day....another deed

So today I decided to write just to write. I don't know about what. Just to write. Hmmm

Lets see...what is happening today. Um I am making an apricot glazed turkey for dinner. OOHH Rory started a blog *Snickers* that is gonna be interesting.  We will see what random ramblings he pouts in there after he is done calling me a rambling wench. HEHE Gotta love my brother.

BTW...had to post this photo....I love it but he hates it....so time to piss him off HEHEHE.



Aside from my sister beign a right bitch and having the tv blaringly loud then talking on the phone exceedingly louder while I was trying to sleep. Not much has happened today...so it seems I have ran out of things to write. Hmm.... maybe more inspiration will come later....oh well I need to get stuff together for my shower XD.

New blog for PCOS

So I decided to make a new blog SPECIFICALLY for my fight with PCOS and weight loss, that way on this one I can focus mainly on life issues and what is bugging me.

I have been thinking alot about going back to school and I soooooo want to. I might have found a way to, However, I need to get tested for dyslexia first. -.- Interesting, very interesting. SUUCCKKSSS too. But in the long run it will help me to overcome the challenges that keep me from succeeding in school.

Kristal told me she is getting married this year. I SOOOOO want to go! I just can;'t make it, can't afford it. Sigh. Why does life have to be so unfair?

I also want to go to the gym too. :\ I think lifting weights and the elliptical would be SO beneficial to me it isn't even funny :( Why ????? Well, for now I will have to work with what I have and hope it makes an impact. Out for now. I need to PEE BADLY! LOLOL

Loss!

So I kind of slacked off with this blog again butt....I am back! Every so often I will probably go away and come back, and you know what? That IS ok. So I THINK I have gotten past my plateau...not sure yet. My waist is now down to about 45 inches YAY! I haven't weighed myself today...I kind of really want to wait till monday but I know I probably wont be able to. Sigh. I wish this would, could go faster. However, I WILL make it, I WILL succeed!

I decided to try affirmations and goal setting in my weight loss this time. I have tried a ton of other things right? Time to try this. My goals are as follows:
1 Year: Be 100 LBS lighter and have lost 15" off my waist by 3/1/12
6 Mos: Be into size 18 pants AT MY WAIST by sept 1, 2011
3 Mos: Fit into my size 20 corset by 6/1/11
30 Days: Lose 5 lbs by 4/1/11 (currently 300.4)
1 Week: (set on wed, Feb 16, 2011) Lose 1 LB by Feb 23,2011

I think I can accomplish these, I just need to not let anyone sabotage me , I am worth it! I can do it!

My affirmations, are written in the moment, that way It isn't always an I will..which will make me think I don't have to act. I am now! I am these things and will be these things...starting NOW!

My affirmations:

I am skinny.

I am sexy.

I am beautiful.

These are the things I repeat to myself always. I believe them and I will be them! I am beautiful, sexy and skinny!

I will overcome my PCOS and lose this fat! I will be healthy enough to have kids and play with them!

Epic Fail

SOOOOOO the 30 day challenge got off to a bad start. I didn't follow through. I decided to start as of today. I can no longer drink anything but water and have to walk every day. So far that has been working out for walking to cc's and back. Her house is about a mile from here or so, so that is two miles per day AT LEAST. LOL. now...just to keep with the water and my waist will shrink *crosses her fingers* I can do it I WILL do it, just to find the strength..... Jan 26th day 1. I will drink only water! hehe. I can do this...I can.

30 day challenge

I was at the doctors with my mother today. They were talking about her arthritis and how it isn't connected to just her weight but other factors as well. We were also talking about how if I don't change, I will be like her in about 30 years time. I don't want that. The doctor is suggesting Gestational Surgery for her, to help her lose weight. She is scared and doesn't want to. I on the other hand have time to fix this, I need to fix this. I start and I stop I keep saying I will succeed this time, however, I have taken another turn of I don't care. My fall, and being unable to walk really put a damper on me, and my goals. I really want to fit into that cute top becca gave me. Then I want to have to give it away because it doesn't fit. I HAVE to make this work. On FB I am doing the 30 day challenge of pictures. It has inspired me to do this. A 30 day fitness challenge. It is said that it takes 30 days to make something a habit. So, I will do this. For the next 30 days starting tomorrow, I will strive to do this, for 30 days I 1. Must walk every day. Doesn't matter if it is to the library, around town. At the mall, just to fulfill this challenge, whatever but I must walk. 2. With the exception of two preplanned occasions I can not drink anything besides water. No soda, no fruit juice, no milk. Just water. Crystal light 5 calorie packets however, are OK. This will be my goal. Not to lose weight. But to make myself healthier. Build muscle, work on my cardiovascular fitness etc. Since I have stopped walking these last two weeks it has been hard to do things that just as little as 3 weeks ago were as easy as pie. This can't be. I must succeed. It is about will power. Mine MUST be strong enough. To help me do this, to prove that I can or to show I haven't I must blog every day about what I have drank and what I did for walking. This is my goal, My 30 day challenge. I WILL succeed.

Ways of a witch

Yes, I am a self proclaimed witch. I am a practitioner of Magick in the religion of Wicca.My Deities are the Triple Goddess of the moon and the Horned god of the sun. Recently, I made my very first wand YAY! There aren't many Wiccans where I live, so I am going at this kind of blindly. Reading about traditions and rituals and talking to a few people I know or have met whom are wiccan/pagan. I just went in to my front yard where we have a maple tree and found that we had a branch that was fallen. Knowing that I needed a want still, I broke off a piece, cleaned off the moss that was still hanging to it and brought it inside. I then seperated the bark from the core and removed most of the knots with a knife. After that I sanded the wand smooth. If you have any background knowledge of Magick you know that the wand for most, including my self usually signifies fire and the south. On my wand I also added green satin ribbon to signify earth and north. I then soaked the tip of the wand in water to signify water and the west. Finally I added a yellow jewel to the bottom to signify the east and air. I have yet to consecrate my wand being as I never have time alone. For now I just have to keep records of the rituals and consecrations of my tools I have finished, so I know what needs to still be done. Today is the full moon in January. Sadly I am unable to celebrate this sacred day with a ritual. i Will however ,keep the thoughts of the Triple goddess and the mother in my thoughts. Imbolc is swiftly approaching as well. I am hoping *crosses fingers* that I will be able to perform a ritual in observance. We will see.

Blessed be.

Contemplations

My sleeping pattern is Fucked! Like, Major. I will probably end up doing an all nighter tonight so I can sleep tomorrow night. But oh well, such is life. I know that like no one reads this blog ROFL. So it is kind of more like a personal journal for me. Like always I am contemplating my life and why I haven't found "the one" yet. I know I am only 21 but still....If you had asked me 10 years ago where I would be at 21. It defo wouldn't have been here. It would have been like married with a 1 year old or something. I don't know. I didn't have any nickelback on my computer because of the reformatting I did. Tonight I sought out the albums and added them once again to my music collection. I heard once again this song. I realized how much it descibed me at this moment. I love nickelbacks songs, I can usually find one to suit my current mood. Here it is. Gotta be somebody by nickelback. Lyrics and Video. Enjoy ;)

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough

So I'll be waiting for the real thing
I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen

So I'll be holding my own breath right up 'til the end
Until that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that

'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And you know this feels too right
It's just like déjà vu
Me standing here with you

So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end?
Is it that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/n/nickelback-lyrics/gotta-be-somebody-lyrics.html]

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that

'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
You never know when it shows up
Make sure you're holding on
'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me, oh

Nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Wicca

My whole life I have felt ripped apart spiritually My mothers family has always been catholic, no doubt about it from weekly church goers to the ones that go once every 8-10 years. Everyone is catholic with most of them having gone to catholic school at one time or anther. The other half of my family...Well they are Jewish. However, I am not allowed to speak of this in my home. The mention of another religion especially one that in whatever way is associated to a certain member of my family is ruled out. I have felt torn between these two religions between what I was told must be and what I wanted to learn more about as well as what else was out there. Neither Catholicism nor Judaism ever seemed to fit me. Recently I started to question the little faith I have more and more and began to research others to see which is best for me. What religion will allow me to be me and not compromise anything I believe in for what the religion thinks is right. The religion that seemed to fit me best is one that many discriminate against. One that many think is satanic or impure. I consider myself Wiccan. I am a witch.

What is Wicca?

Wicca is known as many things the Craft, Witchcraft, Wicca, Wiccae and the Wiccan to name a few.Wicca is different things for many people I can not explain Wicca to the fullest extent. Wicca is different things for different people, I have even heard of an read about people using Jesus Christ and The Virgin Mary as their god and goddess, To each their own. There are different branches of Wicca, numerous ones actually, so many that I lost count at about 35. Wicca for some is the study of the goddess, and for some such as myself the study of the god and of the goddess. While I can not tell you what Wicca is. I can tell you what Wicca is not. Wicca is not anti- Christian as many believe. As a witch I respect Christians and the Christian religion, while it is not for me it serves its purpose for others and helps them on their spiritual way.

Wicca is not devil worship. Where yes, there is a so called horned god, he is considered to be the representation of masculinity in all things, The Horned god ofen represents the wilderness and the life cycle. The person or evil that many Christians and believers of other religions recognize as the devil or Satan actually is stemmed from the Greek God Pan.

Wicca is not a religion of human or animal sacrifice, It is actually a religion of loving nature and all living things plants, animals and humans equally. I do not nor would I ever condone the practice or thought of sacrificing any type of living thing for spiritual guidance. All living things are beautiful and whether you believe them to be the work of one god, one goddess, a god and a goddess, or many gods and goddesses should all be loved and treated with respect.

Many believe that Wiccans or Witches or Pagans must be dirty or horny, often times called whores or sluts. Pagans and Wiccans do not condone nor deny sex anymore than any other religion. It is a very Beautiful thing yes, when practiced with a loved one safely. It is a sacred thing which should not be taken for granted or exploited.

Another common misconception among other religions toward Pagans and Wiccans is that we practice black magick and are out to hurt everyone. Quite the opposite actually as a Wiccan I hold true to my belief in the thrice fold rule "Ever mind the Rule of Three. Three times what thou gives returns to thee. This lesson well, thou must learn, thy only gets what thou dost earn". As a Wiccan or Witch I also live by the Wiccan Rede "Do what ye will, be it harm none". Both rules in place reminding us to not harm others, to be peaceful, tranquil and loving to all.

Do you really cast spells?

In a way yes, I do. My spells are more chants or poems that I say allowed while performing certain actions much like Catholics sing in church while holding hands or say hail Mary's while counting the beads on their rosary. These are just religious practices of my every day life. I don't cast harmful spells on others or even cast hexes. If you cross me I won't curse you. Many of my personal spells are actually meditations or inspirational sayings.

Isn't your book of shadows filled with hexes and curses?

No, Mine is not. My book of shadows is more like a bible I write myself, It holds the things I believe in. Nothing more, nothing less. A witches book of shadows is like her bible and her diary all rolled in to one, it holds her spells, her beliefs, her rituals and Dedication to the craft in it. Many witches have more than one book of shadows, some have many. It all depends on how long the witch (that by the way can be a guy too) has been active in the craft and how often she is active. Some only observe the changes in the seasons, some only the equinoxes. I have heard of witches observing the equinoxes, changes of seasons, cross seasons and the phases of the moon. To each their own. Wicca is a religion that you change and make your own. You are not told who or what to believe in, you decide, you make your own choices.

Does this mean you don't celebrate Christmas?

Sure, I celebrate Christmas, I also observe passover. Just because I don't consider myself of the Christian or Jewish faith does not mean I can not celebrate the humble beginnings and beauty in such religions. I pick and choose which holidays to celebrate and which ideals to hold higher than others.

Do you go to church?

Wiccans and Pagans do have churches or community meetings, Do I personally go to them? No. I am what is called a Solitary, I practice my faith on my own time, in my own way and alone. I use my book of shadows as my bible to guide me on my spiritual journey much as other religions use the Holy Bible, The Koran and The Torah. I also have a Book of Mirrors, a book I use to place my dreams, aspirations, meditations and so on.

Wiccans/Witches and Pagans are not to be feared, we are not filled with evil or possessed by the devil, we are merely people who believe different things and have different ideals than those of the Christian religion. If you would like to know more about Pagan, Wicca or my journey in the Craft Feel free to ask. However, please do not condemn me for my difference of faith and beliefs.I hope this has been a bit more informative for all of you.

Blessed be,

Cassie

I am horrible

There was some news given to him today that another friends parent has terminal cancer. I feel like such a horrible person. I was concerned and all of that. I am human, the reason I am horrible is that soon as he mentioned having to get his passport in order because she (the other friend) and he were close, my head went to overdrive. For a split second, I wasnt worried about her, or her parent with terminal cancer. I was worried about him going over there and rekindling the romance they once had. How sick is that? How selfish is that? Her parent is fighting for his life and I am worried about how I may never get him. My heart sank at the thought. I thought I was over him. I had no hopes, no thoughts of getting him. He made himself clear he didn't love me like that so WTF? I am such a horrible person. I don't know how else to explain it :\ He was ready to marry her a few years back. Then he wasn't ready to marry me, not as definitively as he was her. I guess the saying I stole from a friend is true. “If a guy genuinely cares about you, it's really not that easy to lose his interest.” He lost interest in me, big time. Guess I am not the right one for him. Time to learn my lesson. All I want to do is cry. I keep thinking I am over him then WHAM! it hits me. Why me ? :\

I'm Dying

Yep, that is right, I am dying. We all are dying. Each minute we live is a minute closer to death. Scared ya huh? I don't mean I have a terminal illness or anything like that. I am 21 years old and I feel stuck. This is supposed to be the best time of my life. But, it isn't. I want a life. I feel like that has been taken away from me. Most of my issues boil down to one thing. My mother, I can connect her to almost any problem I have. Sounds like I am pointing fingers doesn't it? Don't get me wrong I am to blame too, I made conscience decisions that resulted in these actions. My decision always was to listen to her. If I had not, If I had done as I saw fit. I would not have this problem. I always blame david for alot of my issues, Yes, he is to blame somewhat. But, I look back and think. Everything I can connect to my mother. She always tells me "Don't insult me by comparing me to him". No, he wasn't there. But, doesn't that also mean he hasn't done as much damage? Everything in my life that has gone wrong...well almost. I can count back to her. When it boils down to it, listening to her is the reason I am stuck here ATM. I don't know. But, we are all dying and I want to live I want to LIVE before I die. I want to travel, Have kids go to school have a career. Go back to england. Spend time with friends. I want to be me. I want to be out of here.