So there's this guy....

So there is this guy, that I seem hung up on, the only guy I have ever been in love with. I SWEAR I know nothing can happen, nothing will happen and I am not holding my breath. if he were to read this yea, he would know who he is. it just keeps coming back. whenever someone asks me "who is the person you trust most of all no questions asked?" or "if you had to choose one person to have around you while you downed a roofie and passed out for 10 hrs, who would it be? " the most recent was " Where is and who is the one place/person where you can totally let go? not care about anything and just be you? the one person you could get drunk with, the one person that you don't have to waver on, that you know would be there? " all of these questions and many more come back to one answer, HIM. UGH. why? It can't work, it didn't work. He doesn't love me like that. I ruined any chance of that when I hurt him, I pushed for things, for answers I needed and wanted but wasn't getting, I pushed him so hard, I pushed him away.

Things are crazy, I don't like this. It doesn't bug me if he talks about other girls, It hasn't for a while, My heart is open to anything, I have talked to and dated a guy or two since I was with him. but still. It's there. They say that when you are in love with someone that never goes away no matter how hard you try. That is so unfair! I can't believe that. I want this to stop. its not a yearning I have to have him I love him so much I am going to die feeling. It is simpler, subtler. When I was around him, everything was so easy; for me anyway. I didn't have to think just do and be, it was like second nature. Victoria says to wait that in time it might be. I don't think so, he was very clear that I did not attract him in that way. Maybe that is because I was pushing, I don't know. I wish I did tho. things would be so much easier. life would be easier.

How can one person be split so much? I don't think of him like I used to, he is rarely on my mind in that way. so how can this be? why can this be? what is the purpose? Hell, why me? I can't help but wonder, how can I be so sure, so ok with knowing nothing will ever happen like that and yet, have him as the answer to every question that begins with "who is the one person that" it is so frustrating, so infuriating. sigh. Will I ever know? He is my best friend and always will be that will NEVER change unless I am dead. but it still sucks, still hurts.